Joshua Kabe Ashworth

Ooops

Someone caught my attention..

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 5:10 PM 4 comments

Glass made whore

you make me wanna kill in this vast wonderland of murder
your eyes have seen the blood covered snow your eyes have seen the vampires
when is your crush gonna fade baby
when is your crush gonna fade baby
those hips shake when the crosses go upside down
dont worry daddy is proud and mommy shares the pain
six six six for the addicts sugar
six six six for the addicts sugar
is it all a game is it all played right
do we get to go to hell or do we starve ourselves for the photograph
break your teeth break your heart for me
love it baby and shove it in the trashcan
do we sell souls or do we have saturday night
this one aint right, this one aint right
if i could be your vampire id fall in love and kill us both
wash away our sins on the cutting room floor
my room smells of you my wrists ache for more
you make me wanna kill in this vast wonderland of murder
your daddy is so proud
love it baby
we all scream for the addicts
love it baby
we all scream for the addicts
love it baby
we all scream for the addicts
love it baby
we all scream six six six

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 4:26 PM 1 comments

To you!

i stole the stars and burned your name in the ground
hey sugar, let me sing your name until the heavens fall and crash into the ocean
lets light this city and forget everything we know
one thing is for sure, you've had my eyes this whole time...

back to posting again. things are so good. im staring out of a window trying to figure out why its so damn hot outside and if i will survive the summer. i got a new friend on saturday, she is grey with black stripes and i named her Jane Doe. i love my kitty. anyways, i must look productive at work so until next time...

joshua

ps
i wish i could see boston

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 4:02 PM 4 comments

Its Saturday, what a day...

the only thing i have os grace and mercy and thats good enough for me. i wish i could go into a lot of whats been going on in my life but i have limited time on the internet. email me, or leave coments and maybe ill explain

-Joshua

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 12:39 PM 2 comments

Holy Hellfire

I dont know where to begin or where to end. its all about my cellphone and black coffee with a side of camel lights. stay in touch you blasphemous, you children of God, you sinners, you depressed and lonely, self medicating and black hearted... im on my journey and i dont know where the hell im going..

joshua

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 5:01 PM 0 comments

Im Alive

Im alive, I havent had internet access here lately but im doing well. ill start posting again soon

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 10:37 AM 2 comments

This is what it means to be me

The only thing I can do is to stop doing what is so Familiar to me. Just completely stop! I keep yelling at myself, keep beating myself up over situations and decisions that for most people, these are the simplest things in life. The advice from the wise men is to listen to the Lord. Well, for me that's a little bit easier said than done at times.

Tears begin to flood my eyes because i am so frustrated and scared at the same time, but as i sit here and type the Lord reminds me that by taking the chance to "hear Him" is the only way to truly find myself and be myself again. I wonder what it must be like to be normal, without any help from the world and it's medication, its superficial teachings and self-loathing feelings. It's a question that honestly haunts me everyday. "Without any help"? I mean honestly, we all need help right? We need that pharmaceutical high, and the top selling self-help books. We need the little round white round pills and the brown bottles that they come in. We get excited almost to the point of it being erotic! And me, Yes I am the gutty one here. I love thew fact that I can take a pill and feel so numb to the world, and take another one to make the pain of a broken heart go away.

To become apathetic is now the American dream and let me be the first to congratulate us all, we have definitely found it. We are all living it in one way or another. We ache to feel so empty, and to be so normal, we love that medicated happiness. We want to ignore whats really going on in the world and with ourselves. We have all gone a witch hunt and grabbed our pitchforks, prescription pads, Prada shoes, and torches in the form of advertisements. We found our victim and we have all distorted the reality that we were supposed to know. We have all made God our tiny secret that we break out on Wednesdays, Sundays and when company comes over! Way to go you Christ-filled Americans, lets give ourselves a hand clap. We are so afraid of change that we just put God on a shelf and look at Him like a piece of modern art. For most of us God sits in our pockets and travels with us to the plastic surgeon on Thursdays to get our fix. Thank you Jesus for Botox, I'm so happy that i can get my fix so I can keep that perfect smile during the hardest times, and through those hard decisions.

I am now living proof of the jokes made about Americas perfect dream. And because I can't show hurt because that makes me weak,a and being weak makes me un-American I am forced to deny myself. I am forced to be ashamed like the other 80% this dying country. I can't wear my beliefs on m sleeve or pray in front of my coworkers, because that is against the law according to the gospel of Broadway!!! I keep telling myself to fell something no matter what, but that's so far away from me. Everyday i look outside of my window and i try and catch a glimpse of the reality that i know of, and I try and smell the life that is almost at its end. We watch ourselves die and do nothing about it but complain from nine to five. Our therapists come to their conclusions by drawing pictures of figures on the side of our walls that we have made so high, and so strong that not even you yourself can find a way in or out. Our walls, well they symbolize our consciousness, our hurt, our lack of trust our feel good hit of the year, and our issues of becoming intimate. We're only as deep as our pockets and only as smart as our hard drives. Just wait for the upgrade, cause it's right around the corner.

The best advice I ever received was to stop dwelling on the past and pick up where I left off. God full speed in the direction God intended. Well you try telling yourself that everyday when you have nothing but failure in your eyes, no job, no money, and you miss the life you once had. That perfect life that made you feel so care free and so safe. The only thing keeping you going is the sound of the Lords voice echoing in your head.

In the mornings the Lord has begun to speak to me more and more, it's become so clear that I can almost feel His breath in my ear. "Hey"! "Why are you awake"? Then a pause, and I almost hear Him laugh which in turn makes me smile. "I love you, Joshua and I can't wait until you rise up" He says "Soon, very soon" in a soft loving voice. "You are going to move in ways that you thought were impossible, and be so effective". I feel my eyes widen and this warm feeling in my heart start to take over. Peace and satisfaction that i am doing the right thing is enough for me to get through the day. I don't want to live in a world that man creates and decides who is going to be on the next issue of people magazine. I don't want to live like i have no care in the world. Im not going to watch the world pass me by, and sit in my comfort zone while God uses someone else. He has bigger things planned for me and I have known it my entire life. It's time to take up my cross and run, and make the world tremble.

I thought about how the Lord must see me and how he feels about the ones that "stray away". In Isaiah 1:18-20 it says "come now lets argue this out" says the Lord. "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson I can make you as white as wool. If you will obey me and let me help you, then you will have plenty to eat. But if you keep turning away and refusing to listen, you will be destroyed by your enemies. I, the Lord have spoken......

That is a very powerful statement. Come to me and i will cleanse you! How can God do that when I am being so stubborn all the time and living in sin. He loves us so much that he will clean us and forget about everything. Again in chapter 30 verse 18 it says "but I the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

Picture yourself in a restaurant waiting for a loved one or a good friend and they don't show up. Most of us will get angry and maybe call them and have a few words with them. Then picture that it happens again, and again, and again, and again, and again. You would most likely end that relationship and never speak to them again or have anything to do with them again....EVER!!!!!....

The Lord loves us so much that he waits for us. He stands in heaven with the sun hanging in the blue sky, the wind blowing through the trees making that peaceful sound, and he waits. I picture him standing on the porch of an old rustic house with beautiful scenery, and he's staring at the road that leads up to his house. Just waiting intensely throughout the day until night falls. Then he makes his way into the house, he sits down in his rocker while Miles Davis is playing on the record player. The fire place may be going and he may have a cup of coffee by his side and he sits and waits. He looks out through his window from time to time for our return until that one day that he sees us walking up that long road onto his porch. "Sorry I'm late, i got held up" we may say. And all he does is embraces us and says "Come on in, Ive been waiting for you"

posted by Joshua K. Ashworth @ 10:58 AM 8 comments