Joshua Kabe Ashworth

Ooops

2007-07-09T17:10:00.000-05:00

Someone caught my attention..

Glass made whore

2007-06-18T16:26:00.001-05:00

you make me wanna kill in this vast wonderland of murder
your eyes have seen the blood covered snow your eyes have seen the vampires
when is your crush gonna fade baby
when is your crush gonna fade baby
those hips shake when the crosses go upside down
dont worry daddy is proud and mommy shares the pain
six six six for the addicts sugar
six six six for the addicts sugar
is it all a game is it all played right
do we get to go to hell or do we starve ourselves for the photograph
break your teeth break your heart for me
love it baby and shove it in the trashcan
do we sell souls or do we have saturday night
this one aint right, this one aint right
if i could be your vampire id fall in love and kill us both
wash away our sins on the cutting room floor
my room smells of you my wrists ache for more
you make me wanna kill in this vast wonderland of murder
your daddy is so proud
love it baby
we all scream for the addicts
love it baby
we all scream for the addicts
love it baby
we all scream for the addicts
love it baby
we all scream six six six

To you!

2007-06-11T16:02:00.002-05:00

i stole the stars and burned your name in the ground
hey sugar, let me sing your name until the heavens fall and crash into the ocean
lets light this city and forget everything we know
one thing is for sure, you've had my eyes this whole time...

back to posting again. things are so good. im staring out of a window trying to figure out why its so damn hot outside and if i will survive the summer. i got a new friend on saturday, she is grey with black stripes and i named her Jane Doe. i love my kitty. anyways, i must look productive at work so until next time...

joshua

ps
i wish i could see boston

Its Saturday, what a day...

2007-05-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

the only thing i have os grace and mercy and thats good enough for me. i wish i could go into a lot of whats been going on in my life but i have limited time on the internet. email me, or leave coments and maybe ill explain

-Joshua

Holy Hellfire

2007-05-25T17:01:00.000-05:00

I dont know where to begin or where to end. its all about my cellphone and black coffee with a side of camel lights. stay in touch you blasphemous, you children of God, you sinners, you depressed and lonely, self medicating and black hearted... im on my journey and i dont know where the hell im going..

joshua

Im Alive

2007-04-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

Im alive, I havent had internet access here lately but im doing well. ill start posting again soon

This is what it means to be me

2007-03-09T10:58:00.000-06:00

The only thing I can do is to stop doing what is so Familiar to me. Just completely stop! I keep yelling at myself, keep beating myself up over situations and decisions that for most people, these are the simplest things in life. The advice from the wise men is to listen to the Lord. Well, for me that's a little bit easier said than done at times.

Tears begin to flood my eyes because i am so frustrated and scared at the same time, but as i sit here and type the Lord reminds me that by taking the chance to "hear Him" is the only way to truly find myself and be myself again. I wonder what it must be like to be normal, without any help from the world and it's medication, its superficial teachings and self-loathing feelings. It's a question that honestly haunts me everyday. "Without any help"? I mean honestly, we all need help right? We need that pharmaceutical high, and the top selling self-help books. We need the little round white round pills and the brown bottles that they come in. We get excited almost to the point of it being erotic! And me, Yes I am the gutty one here. I love thew fact that I can take a pill and feel so numb to the world, and take another one to make the pain of a broken heart go away.

To become apathetic is now the American dream and let me be the first to congratulate us all, we have definitely found it. We are all living it in one way or another. We ache to feel so empty, and to be so normal, we love that medicated happiness. We want to ignore whats really going on in the world and with ourselves. We have all gone a witch hunt and grabbed our pitchforks, prescription pads, Prada shoes, and torches in the form of advertisements. We found our victim and we have all distorted the reality that we were supposed to know. We have all made God our tiny secret that we break out on Wednesdays, Sundays and when company comes over! Way to go you Christ-filled Americans, lets give ourselves a hand clap. We are so afraid of change that we just put God on a shelf and look at Him like a piece of modern art. For most of us God sits in our pockets and travels with us to the plastic surgeon on Thursdays to get our fix. Thank you Jesus for Botox, I'm so happy that i can get my fix so I can keep that perfect smile during the hardest times, and through those hard decisions.

I am now living proof of the jokes made about Americas perfect dream. And because I can't show hurt because that makes me weak,a and being weak makes me un-American I am forced to deny myself. I am forced to be ashamed like the other 80% this dying country. I can't wear my beliefs on m sleeve or pray in front of my coworkers, because that is against the law according to the gospel of Broadway!!! I keep telling myself to fell something no matter what, but that's so far away from me. Everyday i look outside of my window and i try and catch a glimpse of the reality that i know of, and I try and smell the life that is almost at its end. We watch ourselves die and do nothing about it but complain from nine to five. Our therapists come to their conclusions by drawing pictures of figures on the side of our walls that we have made so high, and so strong that not even you yourself can find a way in or out. Our walls, well they symbolize our consciousness, our hurt, our lack of trust our feel good hit of the year, and our issues of becoming intimate. We're only as deep as our pockets and only as smart as our hard drives. Just wait for the upgrade, cause it's right around the corner.

The best advice I ever received was to stop dwelling on the past and pick up where I left off. God full speed in the direction God intended. Well you try telling yourself that everyday when you have nothing but failure in your eyes, no job, no money, and you miss the life you once had. That perfect life that made you feel so care free and so safe. The only thing keeping you going is the sound of the Lords voice echoing in your head.

In the mornings the Lord has begun to speak to me more and more, it's become so clear that I can almost feel His breath in my ear. "Hey"! "Why are you awake"? Then a pause, and I almost hear Him laugh which in turn makes me smile. "I love you, Joshua and I can't wait until you rise up" He says "Soon, very soon" in a soft loving voice. "You are going to move in ways that you thought were impossible, and be so effective". I feel my eyes widen and this warm feeling in my heart start to take over. Peace and satisfaction that i am doing the right thing is enough for me to get through the day. I don't want to live in a world that man creates and decides who is going to be on the next issue of people magazine. I don't want to live like i have no care in the world. Im not going to watch the world pass me by, and sit in my comfort zone while God uses someone else. He has bigger things planned for me and I have known it my entire life. It's time to take up my cross and run, and make the world tremble.

I thought about how the Lord must see me and how he feels about the ones that "stray away". In Isaiah 1:18-20 it says "come now lets argue this out" says the Lord. "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson I can make you as white as wool. If you will obey me and let me help you, then you will have plenty to eat. But if you keep turning away and refusing to listen, you will be destroyed by your enemies. I, the Lord have spoken......

That is a very powerful statement. Come to me and i will cleanse you! How can God do that when I am being so stubborn all the time and living in sin. He loves us so much that he will clean us and forget about everything. Again in chapter 30 verse 18 it says "but I the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

Picture yourself in a restaurant waiting for a loved one or a good friend and they don't show up. Most of us will get angry and maybe call them and have a few words with them. Then picture that it happens again, and again, and again, and again, and again. You would most likely end that relationship and never speak to them again or have anything to do with them again....EVER!!!!!....

The Lord loves us so much that he waits for us. He stands in heaven with the sun hanging in the blue sky, the wind blowing through the trees making that peaceful sound, and he waits. I picture him standing on the porch of an old rustic house with beautiful scenery, and he's staring at the road that leads up to his house. Just waiting intensely throughout the day until night falls. Then he makes his way into the house, he sits down in his rocker while Miles Davis is playing on the record player. The fire place may be going and he may have a cup of coffee by his side and he sits and waits. He looks out through his window from time to time for our return until that one day that he sees us walking up that long road onto his porch. "Sorry I'm late, i got held up" we may say. And all he does is embraces us and says "Come on in, Ive been waiting for you"

YAY!!

2007-03-08T13:46:00.000-06:00

So today has got to be the best day ever, but so was yesterday and the day before that. geeze it feels like i have overcome my hurt and everything along with that. i do love her but i know its over.

OK confession time. Last night i had a Tarot Reading along with my Palm being read. I was surprised by everything she knew about me and told about me. It was all good things but I'm not going to get in to it on here, if you know me then call me.

so yeah how is every ones day?????

Joshua

Oh what makes today good....This did....

Vices

2007-03-06T11:25:00.000-06:00

I got a couple of responses on what you guys were listening to but what I really want to know is what your vice is. ill tell you mine in a bit. First off here is what I'm currently listening to:

Justin Timberlake: "FustureSex/ LoveSounds"
The Gossip: "Standing in the way of control"
The Shins: "Wincing the night away"
Snowden: "Anti-Anti"
Scarlet: ALL
18v: "Best Of"
The Black Dahlia Murder: "Miasma"
Miles Davis: "Miles in The Sky"
AND VARIOUS PLAYLISTS................
all of this is on heavy heavy rotation............

This is the fucking craziest story ever!!!!

Zach Braff who is one of my favorite actors right now is expecting a heavy duty paycheck.

If you care, Reuters is reporting that Libby has been found guilty. Anyone who has been following this story should not be surprised.

And just when you thought women were paying attention to you, think again. They are all too tired.

OK, so vices, yeah mine is alcohol and cigarettes with cigarettes being my number one. What are yours? dont be scared to tell, just let it out. You can post anonymously if you want or if you have the courage leave your name and age. I'm 30 and you know my name

Joshua

move it

2007-03-04T15:19:00.001-06:00

What is everyone listening to these days?

Joshua

It's a long journey...so far

2007-03-02T11:35:00.000-06:00

So things are a little better, not completely though. It's a long journey, and I'm going to make it. Thank God and everyone praying for me. It seems that the days get better every time i wake up, and thank God for his grace and love. There is no reason why I shouldnt and couldn't go on.

There is a lot going on musically. I've been asking the Lord to bless me with the stage again. i miss it so much, i miss the sweaty Kidd's, the nose bleeds, the hustle, the pain of being on stage. I really really miss it, so i will once again take on the circus we know as a band.

I haven't been reading the news as much so to my surprise The Chariot has a new song posted Here. it seems they are following the same formula but I'm kind of excited about the entire record, so way to go.

I cant wait until this band comes out with their record. Jesus!!!!

Yeah and i cant wait for The Famine to start recording.

Joshua

one thing I learned

2007-02-28T10:57:00.000-06:00

All bodies contort, all bodies contort. if you can taste my spit, then you know life is ending in sway tonight with the noose tightened and my breath crying out to god. my faith is my fault my faith is my fault. let me be a slave all children line up in awe while the angels sing and hold my hand. for tonight the blood wont spill. silence for the others watching on. silence, silence, quiet. riot, riot. all bodies contortion

The show must go on...

2007-02-26T21:00:00.000-06:00

we danced and wounded our hearts, we danced with the bottle and she loves like a whore. we stood in the street and whispered, we shook hands and called it love. if i could make you i would, but my words do more harm than good. shes got a case of the wows and im stuck looking in the window! widow maker, widow maker cut my wrist make me clean baby. shake for the captain shake for the captain, shake for the words making out in their graves. this one night stand lasted longer than our favorite song. your ghost still haunts me, your ghost still haunts the air i breathe.

Quote of the day

2007-02-23T14:37:00.000-06:00

"If I didn't talk to you on the phone everyday I would worry about you" Leann

Everything is going away

2007-02-21T17:00:00.000-06:00

Frightened and sad. Lets see how positive I can be. My wife left me, i got fired. I'm so depressed that i don't want to get out of bed. i ache, i hurt, i cry all the time, it hurts so bad and i cant feel god anywhere. i don't Ive felt him in a long time. i don't know what to do. and do i even spellcheck this?

Joshua

i just want her back...

...

2007-02-18T12:03:00.000-06:00

I need God to listen and to answer a prayer. I'm desperate and alone and confused and hurt and angry and sad. I haven't slept or eaten in days. I just want God

Joshua

You spin me right round

2007-02-16T15:04:00.000-06:00

Well it's another day and I'm sitting at work, in my cubical surfing the Internet, and drinking my Diet Coke. I have my journal out, and an amazing book called "Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller. I read it once or twice on tour, but this time it's really speaking to me. I love how he writes, he grabs your attention, and the way he uses his words really makes you think. I highly recommend anything he has written. Also check out Burnside Writers Collective which is an online zine started by Mr. Miller and a few other really good writers.

Ive been listening to this band Snowden lately, they are amazing and my girl turned me onto them, also check out their MySpace. We have this in our room and she listens to a lot of vinyl so if anyone knows a good online vinyl store please leave me a comment on where and how good it is.

If this isn't metal, i dunno what is. And MSNBC is also reporting that beer is the U.S. of Alcohol. Hmmmmmm...

Why would anyone do this? HA!! Why would you think you would get away with this, and the man who invented laziness dies at 93.

The day has come and gone an God is watching over his children. I hope and pray that He is listening to my prayers right now for i am in need of an answered prayer, so if you think about it, please pray for me He will know what your praying about.

Joshua

Can't sleep

2007-02-15T16:15:00.000-06:00

OK so I'm on new meds and I didn't sleep at all last night, God bless the pharmaceutical market and damn you Adderall for keeping me up all night. None the less I am tired and I want to cuddle with her.

One of my all time favorite bands (TURMOIL) have inked a deal with Eulogy Recordings, so in all actuality, that makes us label mates. Sweet!!!! Check out the announcement on the labels website.

Find out why the U.S. is always left in the cell phone dark ages, and why I'm thinking about tossing my phone out the window.

I think my good friend Bill Power said it best when he described how in tune America is with whats going on in the world... Wait, were just obsessed with B list Celebrities. When will it stop?

Today I came into work with one thing on my mind, and that was trying to find something to stimulate my brain. I always read the news and write and do this blog thing. I read this during the first hour, and this the next few hours. Its sad, sad, sad.... The invention of the modern obituary. A bit morbid? Find out for yourself...

Its true though, were all obsessed with who's doing what and who's doing who. try writing or reading, or buying me things from this fine establishment...

Joshua

I am lost

2007-02-14T15:53:00.000-06:00

Today has been the utmost perfect day EVER. Last night I came home to dinner and a beautiful girl, I walked to my room and it was clean with "Always and Forever" playing on the radio. Presents were neatly stacked on our couch, it was so sweet I almost cried. We had an amazing evening that will remain embedded in my mind forever.
This morning I had doctors appointments to deal with my ADD and migraines and then I had to run errands. To my surprise when I was finished with my first errand I walked out of the mall and it was snowing. There is something about snow that is magical and pure and exciting that it brings me back to my childhood. I just stood there soaking up as much snow as i could before I got into my car.

Today seemed to be just perfect for me. Why? I don't even care to know, it's almost like God decided that i deserved it, whatever the case is, I am grateful for it and it does show me that God is up there smiling down, even if I don't deserve it.

Looks like Every Time I Die is about to start recording their new record, more on that as well as a humorous press release can be found here here

A track listing for the new NIN record entitled "Year Zero" can be found here

Now you can get a ring tone from my band (Society's Finest) at this fine website

Did your man forgot to pick up the milk like you had asked him to do before coming home from work? Want to know why us men ignore some of the things you say? Well so did some people at Duke University, you can read all about how we are hard-wired to ignore our wives here

Tim Mann from Focused has created an official Focused MySpace page . Go check that out, I owe him my whole career in music.

I am totally excited to see Rage Against The Machine at this years Coachella fest as well as most of the entire line-up, if you want to view the bands that are playing this year, head on over to the official site

Did anyone else see our President speak this morning? I couldn't help but giggle at times as well as hang my head. Our troops will begin to head back over to Iraq and my dearest friend is one of them. I was a HUGE Bush supporter until the actions of our President started to effect me, I never thought i would say this but I believe he has gotten us in some real hot water and the actions he has taken will make America fall. I hope and pray that this does not happen and I pray that God is watching over us and His angels are surrounding us. God be with us

Joshua

How I died

2007-01-30T22:52:00.000-06:00

So, should I be worried that the Anti-Christ is here or should i laugh? I mean honestly, i read about this guy when I was living in TTampa, Fl and today he made me gasp.

I've been really busy with work and new ventures as well as life changes. This year marks the year of change and that's what i have been doing. I moved back to Texas, moved into a new home, made a commitment, and kept hating my job, so some things are new and some are not. I had hoped to post on here everyday but it seems that this is harder to do than i had thought. oh well? i guess.

It's 2007 and God hasn't come back yet.

Providing you with more lies than the Bush admin.

2007-01-04T08:21:00.000-06:00

If you like ZAO as well as dick and fart jokes, check THIS interview out. Be sure to read the warnings before you enter the website.

Want to know how to make the perfect grilled cheese? Well you arent the only one, MSNBC ran an article on the long lost childhood favorite. Be sure to make one and send it to me.

Just when i started to get back into watching T.V., FOX goes and cancels my favorite show. It seems that the fascination of teenagers in southern California is over.

We're all on diets and we're all causing subway delays

2007-01-03T09:41:00.000-06:00

This looked pretty freaking creepy, yet it made me sad and then i realized who said it. dont get me wrong i think patrick is a nifty man of God but he does say things before he speaks and he reads into things way too much. regardless if he is right, then we're fucked.

I spent the holidays at work, yeah work has me by the balls and is not letting go. I ended up spending Christmas with the kiddo on the Tuesday following. She got so much stuff. she ended up having 8, yeah EIGHT Christmas's. what alucky girl. It's all because of her new step-families and such, shes such an amazing 10 year old. my little angel..

On Saturday I watched the Saddam hanging online and i dont know how i feel about all of that, it was shocking and sad. He had so much pride and then all of a sudden he looked scared and shocked and then it was over. The amazing thing was that it was all filmed on a camera phone and now the guy who filmed it is in a bit of trouble.

I watched The Last Kiss last night and was completely taken back by it, i seriously didnt expect it to be as depressing as it was. It really got me thinking about love and life and how what we will do if the love is lost or is going to fail and then i thought about what God must think when we stray away.

I really need a new job. any ideas or offers?

Joshua

It's only 20 proof

2006-12-22T22:18:00.000-06:00

Its how we love that gets us through the day, its how we ache that makes life hard and its how God speaks to us that makes everything worth while.

Our 800 number

2006-12-11T20:39:00.000-06:00

This is to realize how much life has impacted self, to turn left and notice advertisements and to walk into a bar and order what we think we like. It confuses me sometimes that we can get so overwhelmed and so caught up that we don't have time to identify with our own beings. Luckily the lord calms us in a way that haunts me.

open the door and feel alone and open the door to find yourself.

It's the narcotics that did it to me, that made me convinced I couldn't feel anything and im still at fault. I don't blame anyone, I mean what's the point? I don't even know how to live life sometimes, I've been so medicated and so transformed that I cant remember the last time I felt the pain of the razor blade cut deep into my skin.
Seriously, over the past few years my routine has been the same, its been a routine of discoveries and cancelled dinners. Broken wine glasses and broken hearts how cliche I am, how fucking sad I must look. I never look in to the mirror and see myself I see this person who is trapped and lost yet happy at times, looking back at me staring with intense and angst, one more just one more day is what goes through my mind daily and if it wasn't for that then I would be writing letters from the grave.
i work this job that i dislike, i drive and drive back and forth and back and forth detailing my life in the midst of the world. i wish sometimes that there was a camera following me daily so i could look back a year from now and laugh or be completely shocked.
i tlked to a friend of mine who his though process is like mine was a year ago. he has this idea for a film and the idea is that he woudl be followed around from time to time and the camera will catch him buying and using drugs over the period of a year. he wants to do every drug known to man, write in a journal the effects, the ups and downs, and how he felt afterwards. now, if you would have asked me a year ago to do this i would be all smiles, but now i just sit in complete silence when he talks about it and its only when he is fucked up that this conversation comes up so part of me wants to laugh but part of me cringes at the fact that this is an idea imbeded in his head and i pray that it stays that way. reguardless...i talked to him the other night and it was like talkign to myself a year ago.. he was completely fucked up, slurring his words, not making complete sentences....nothing...i kept asking people to talk to him because i wanted everyone to know how far i have come. i knwo the journey isnt over but i do know the race is almost over.

joshua

Like winter flings...

2006-11-30T14:24:00.000-06:00

So, today it feels and looks like winter. The air is cold and the sky is dark with snow falling on the wet streets. i love this time of year. i just moved in to my home and the fireplace is being used with scattered wine bottles and the remains of marshmallows on the coffee table. the coffee maker screams at all hours and my blankets are being used like a the whores that we are.

The good fine people out there that know me, know that i love the winter and that i cant get enough of it. i cant believe that it is snowing but i know it will be gone in the moringing.

anyway, i am going to lunch. i love you all

Im not dead...yet

2006-11-22T20:58:00.000-06:00

Im back in Texas living life and staying out of trouble. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I will update again soon

Joshua

You Fail Me

2006-10-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

I got a Pre-release of the new Converge "No Heros" and the new Deftones "Saturday night wrist". The new Converge owns my dark side. The Deftones hasnt been listened to yet. Ive had the most amazing time in Florida and it's coming to an end this weekend, i honestly dont know what to think about it. Life has a funny way of doing things at the last minute.

Im not looking forward to the drive back to Texxxass. there isnt much to look at in the south except for trees and, well...trees but at least i have someone coming with me.

cheers-
me

I'm a nerd

2006-10-09T04:51:00.000-05:00

Scary news today. I sat in my cubicle at work and my jaw dropped, it's only a matter of time.
My new favorite game to play at work, it's really addicting, and kinda funny when you play with the sounds on.

My friend Jen is flying in on the 20th to drive with me to Texas, I'm really excited about this. I'll post pics of the road-trip back. Oh and the beard, yeah its coming in pretty sweet, like way sweet ass.

Cheers-
Joshua K.

The Proud Highway

2006-10-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I moved. I feel like a grown-up now, and i'm going to keep this short until everyone catches up. I spent last night in the hospital, it was amazing and I wish I had my cameras with me. I felt like i was in an episode of ER. Sweet ass.

I'm going to be doing things a little different here, so don't be afraid. shhhhh, it's ok sugar, i'll hold you and make it all better.

Today's past time.

This months intrest includes but are not limited to road trips, shitty dudes, and the "man".

Don't Stop Believing